Thursday, January 6, 2011

Red Red Wine

I'm a drinker. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I enjoy the occasional beer with a friend or at a family get together. Sometimes I'll even drink a mixed drink or a glass of wine. With wine, though, one has to be careful. Really careful.

I'm not a wino. I don't know a lot about it. In fact it takes me forever to pick out a bottle because I'm just not quite sure what I'm doing. All I really know is I prefer white wines, but I'll enjoy a Cabernet from time to time. That's pretty much where my knowledge stops.

Another thing I know... wine gets me drunk. Really drunk. It gets me drunker faster than anything else. Since I'm not a heavy drinker I don't have too much of a tolerance, so I have to be careful.

One time, about five years ago, my best friend was home visiting his family. He was staying in a hotel room and we had the bright idea of getting a few bottles for an evening of sipping and reminiscing. A few other people joined us, and three trips to the supermarket and a hotel bathroom sink full of ice as a makeshift cooler later we were all wasted and acting like idiots. The next day I couldn't move off the couch, and one of the girls from that night says that was the only time she ever called off work. She, too, couldn't move off the couch. The lesson I learned... wine hangovers are the worst hangovers in the world.

Last night I had some Cabernet. After a few glasses I was having trouble getting the cork back out of the bottle so I decided to use my teeth. Mustering all my strength I popped the cork and red wine went all over my shirt. This isn't the first time I've underestimated my own strength. My grandfather always said I could tear up a steel ball.

So, I spilled the wine and I looked down and my shirt looked like it belonged in a crime scene. I, literally, looked like I just got done slaughtering something. It was splashed and sprayed in so many different directions that all I could do was laugh. It was a good thing I was already a few glasses in so I could see the humor in the situation. Long story short... my perfume was replaced with the pungent odor of Shout.

So... the wine dummy performed a wine faux pas. Red, red wine. You bitch.

So... for future reference... if uncorking a bottle of wine with your teeth, make sure it's a white wine. Sweet or dry, doesn't matter... it won't stain as badly.

6 comments:

  1. You're freakin' hilarious! LOL Love it! Next time, maybe try a corkscrew... haha

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  2. It was just partially corked... we'd already opened it.

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  3. Remind me to send you a bottle stopper. :)

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  4. Hey Lad... send me a bottle stopper! Make it spark-a-lee!

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  5. The good wine won't give you a hangover, I swear!

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  6. i've never spilled red wine on myself. just on other people... and the carpet.

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