This blog, however, isn't about Natalie Portman, the Oscars or the movies. It's about what her latest movie reminds me of... impossible standards. The idea of sex without emotion is becoming so normal in today's world, that it makes you feel like something's wrong with you if it's not something you can pull off. Which, for me, it happens to be.
I can't help it. When I get intimate with a person I do it with feeling. In fact, I can't have a good intimate experience with somebody unless it has feeling behind it. It took me a long time to trust even myself during intimacy, and it still takes me a while to trust a partner. When I undress for somebody, I need to know they're where they want to be. I hate the idea that they would be thinking about somebody else or just using me to fill a time slot in their busy schedule to satisfy a basic carnal desire... nothing else. Thus... the "no strings attached" theory doesn't work for me.
I would say this is an innate part of my personality and it's always been the case. Even when I had little to no intimate experiences I thought this way. When my girlfriends would hook up with strangers or rave about how nice it was to have sex with no commitment I would say something about how that's not something I can do. One of my girlfriends even said, "Don't knock it til you try it." That's fair, I suppose. Why judge something I know nothing of firsthand, right?
So I tried it. And I failed. One night I found myself with the opportunity to go home with somebody I'd known since 2nd grade. At least he wasn't a stranger. And while I managed to have a good time with him without feeling any romantic emotion I was unprepared for the emotions I soon felt instead ... disgust... mainly for myself. I hated that I'd given him something I felt he didn't deserve. I ended up sneaking out of his apartment and walking home without his knowledge that I'd left. (And I'm so not looking forward to seeing him at the reunion this year)
For a long time after that I remained inactive... refusing to go down that road unless it was with somebody I really care about and had an awesome connection with. A couple of years ago, I met somebody who fit that criteria. He gave me the butterflies and when we decided to get intimate it was better than I ever thought it could be. Naturally, I hoped it would last. When it didn't I was crushed.
It was then that I realized how people can go through the motions with somebody they have no feelings for. It occurred to me then that, with a broken heart, people act differently. They are like zombies trying to recreate something that's dead. They walk through this world hoping that the next victim might bring them back to life... when all they do is create more and more creatures like themselves. After all... that wonderful guy was broken hearted from somebody else, and he turned me into a broken hearted somebody with a void to fill as well.
During that time I went through a phase where I thought I'd mastered the intimacy with no strings conundrum. I managed to separate myself from emotion as I flirted with any guy who'd let me. All the while I had somebody else on my mind. So unhealthy.
I was fooling myself, though. Of course I was feeling emotion... I was feeling heartbreak. And no sex band-aid would fix it. Lesson learned the hard way.
Much of my twenties has been spent pandering. While pandering can be fun... sinful and indulgent even... it's just a symptom of a person who's lost. It's a reflection of somebody who doesn't know who they are or where they are in life. Really pandering is nothing but flailing and screaming for help.
Since I feel like nobody can really help me besides myself, it's up to me to be one hundred percent honest with myself. I can't have sex without emotion. I can't have a friend with benefits. I must remain abstinent until I find somebody else who makes me feel safe to feel and let me express this.
It's difficult, though. There are so many broken hearted people in this world with a void to fill. They drink and flirt and keep each other company. Since men are wired to spread their seed, it's hard to find a guy who doesn't get distracted by the sexual culture we live in. It's hard to get close to a guy when he has the opportunity to get close with so many other women.
I just keep reassuring myself with the thought that I know myself, and I respect myself. With both of these weapons I can keep myself in check and just hope that I will find a man who is the same way. I hope it happens soon. I'm so ready for it to happen... but I'll be okay if it doesn't.
In the meantime I'll indulge my mind with movies starring Ashton Kutcher... all the while wondering if romantic comedies have a natural habitat anywhere in this world.
Romantic comedies are a delusion! Life doesn't work out that way. They are the exception, not the rule. As for sex with no emotion, it doesn't work for anyone, someone always becomes attached. It's how we are wired as people. By the way, I love the zombie reference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI knew you would.
ReplyDeleteThis is normal for a lot of women. Men, on the other hand, not so much. We're wired differently.
ReplyDeleteI think you are going to be okay. Sometimes I worry about you, but when I read this I know that you do use the sense the good Lord gave you and I smile.
ReplyDelete