Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm Sorry, American Idol, but I Have To Break Up With You

Dear American Idol,
In the spirit of Simon Cowell I'm going to make this short and sweet. We're over. I'm sorry but it is what it is.
If you're standing there slack jawed with the thought of "But we've got J Lo!" running through your mind like a bad movie marquis, then I guess I should give you an explanation.
I can no longer ignore the fact that with every passing year you're committing torture to your host. Ryan gets less cute, less enthusiastic and more impatient with each new season. He's obviously a professional and knows how to keep loyal professional relationships, but when I look into his eyes these days they seem to be screaming for sweet release. His body language says, "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP CARTING ME ALL OVER THE COUNTRY TO HANG OUT WITH SMELLY TALENTLESS LOSERS WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE!!! PLEASE, SOMEBODY, STOP THE HORROR." It breaks my heart to see that. I used to love the little guy, and now I pity him. His career has moved on... He's bigger and better than American Idol now... let him go so he can frolic freely.
Now I turn my attention to the product you sell... fame. More specifically fame to an unknown, relatively insignificant person plucked from obscurity, given a make-over and a microphone and POOF! A star is born! Well... I used to love your product. Kelly Clarkson was exquisite, Clay Aiken is useful for a good laugh, and Carrie Underwood completely stole my heart. It's not the same anymore. I can't tell you who the last two Idols are, or what they're singles on the radio were. More than that I can't remember who won many of the seasons I watched religiously.
And I did watch religiously. I put up with your mindless banter and the fluff added on the editing room floor for years. I did it with a smile on my face and hope in my heart as I rooted for my favorites.
Then you got rid of Paula. I supported this move. She was getting on my nerves. The last season she was on the show, I'd had the addition of a DVR in my life. I found myself fast-forwarding anytime she opened her mouth.
While supporting this move, this is also where our relationship started to go downhill. The dynamic changed. Don't deny it. You're only delaying the inevitable.
Over the last year we've only been pretending. I nodded and kept my mouth shut when you made Ellen a judge. All the while I thought to myself, "She's entirely too nice to do this." I was right.
Now there's no Simon. I'm sorry. That's the deal breaker. If you were my boyfriend this would be like you telling me, after years of going together, that you don't think you want to get married... ever. Simon was the show. He kept it real. As real as one could keep a completely Hollywood-gone-crazy talent show.
I've known for a while that this season will be different. I'm well aware of the new judges and the upcoming premier. I'm just... un-enthused. I'm indifferent to your existence these days. That does not a relationship make. However, I wasn't completely sure we were over until I was scanning the programming listing for next week on my DVR. I hate to admit... you've been replaced and so... deleted. I'm sorry.
It's not all your fault. I've moved on. I've lost my taste for reality shows, for the most part. Written comedy and dramas pull my attention these days. We just... went in separate directions.
Like I said before, it is what it is. Good luck with your endeavors. Once upon a time you captivated me.

Love,
Destiny

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