Divorced Parents

I feel like the title of this blog needs to include a serious tone. It's a serious subject, and it's one I feel strongly about. Perhaps it's because I'm a child of divorce, or maybe it's because so many of my friends are as well. Or it could be because I know a lot of adults who are parents and divorced; therefore it's a subject I run into often.

Divorce is part of our society, and some people would even argue that it's part of our culture. I honestly think divorce can be the healthiest part of some relationships, but it's hard. It's really hard. Even though severing yourself from a life-mate may be the right decision it will hurt. It will hurt a lot. The healing process can be long and brutal... and some people don't make it any easier.

If there are no children involved, it may be easier. You can walk away and never have to see that person again. You never have to have anything in common with them ever again, and you never have to worry about them impeding on your plans or hurting your feelings or scheming behind your back. Best of all... there aren't any children going through the divorce as well. Ideally divorce is best when there aren't any children as a result of the union.

Alas, if there are children present the main concern shifts to them. Are they okay? Do they understand? Do they feel abandoned? I would even go so far as to put them in counselling for the first year of the divorce so they have a trusted adult they can talk to about how they really feel.

What I can't stand is how some divorced parents act like children. They fight every single time they get the chance. They take each other to court, turn around, and take each other to court again. They fight about child support or custody in front of their kids. And if they're not getting their way they will bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.

Not cool. Totally not cool.

Would you like me to sit here and rip apart your mother or your father's character? Would you like me to degrade one of your parents with words that hit below the belt? No. Nobody likes to have their parents talked badly about... especially in front of them. If somebody ever said anything bad about my mother, I'd punch them. I've never punched anybody in my life, but I'd punch somebody if they talked bad about my mama.

I'd also protest to anybody talking bad about my dad. My dad and I barely have a relationship, but it's not anybody's place to talk bad about him. I might vent about it, but the rest of the world will just shut up and listen.

I primarily grew up with my mom. She was a single parent, and she sacrificed a lot (even having her own bedroom) for me and my brother. Like I said before, divorce is painful, and she had a long healing process. But she never spoke badly about my father. If she did, she didn't do it in front of me. She never took him to court after the divorce was final, and she never once tried to keep him from seeing us. She never used her kids as leverage in a fight with her ex-husband. I highly admire her for that.

Because of that, I was able to see my father through untainted light. Eventually I grew to have my own opinion about him, but it wasn't an opinion mom told me to have. I formed it based on MY relationship with him... not hers.

The other day, one of my best friends was talking about a friend of hers. This woman has been divorced from her first husband for nearly ten years. She's been married to somebody else for about 7 years. She and her first husband still fight like they broke up yesterday. Can you imagine actively fighting and arguing with somebody for ten whole years? It'll probably continue, too. They recently went back to court for child custody (evidently he and his new gf have been trying to take the kids away from her the entire time). The judge decided that the daughter go with the ex-husband and the son go with the ex-wife.

Oh, that's great. Break the kids up. Are you serious? Are you so blind that you can't see how hurtful that is to them? They are smarter than you think. Hell... they're smarter than you are. Do you really think they don't mind? Of course they mind. Is it so hard to come to an agreement... a schedule... something solid and continuous and steady? Something kids could rely on and be happy with?

Evidently it is. It's terribly hard, and the harder it gets the less it becomes about the kids and their needs and the more it becomes about the adults and their selfish, childish desires for revenge of a broken heart. They continue to fight, and collect dirt on each other so it might be used as future evidence of one's ability to be an unfit parent.

If I was a judge and looking at somebody's so-called evidence of their ex being an unfit parent, and then I looked and saw that this was their um-teenth time to court over this, I would dismiss all evidence. Then I'd set up a schedule for them and counseling for the kids and shake my head in disgrace as they argued about it afterwards in the lobby of the courthouse.

I know I can't change the world. But if there is ever a child entrusted to my care, I'm going to make sure they know what it means to be a civilized human being who doesn't treat people like shit. There's no need for it. It doesn't make your life any easier, or haven't you figured that out yet?