Not on the Fritz: Sisterhood of Fat Women

I find myself often consulting my best friend Jason about my blog and the direction it's going. I once asked him, "So, what is it, specifically, that makes me unique?" He said, bluntly, "In all honesty, you're a big woman and because of that life treats you differently, no?" I agreed, but in my heart I slammed on the brakes and said to myself, "Woah! That's not what my blog is about and that's not what I'm about. I'm about so much more."

I'm right, but so is he. Life does treat me differently because I'm a big woman. Since I was a child I've steadfastly ignored comments and stares, telling myself I'm beautiful the way I am and nobody can take that away. Still... somehow in the process I think I've ignored it to the point that my immediate reaction when confronted is to backpedal and sharpen my nails. It's as if I'm saying, "How dare you notice something so glaringly obvious! Only I'm allowed to do that."

Am I reminded of my size often? Yes. I am. Every time I go to a restaurant and have to tell the hostess to sit me at a table with chairs... not a booth... I'm reminded. When I got a seatbelt ticket last year because it wouldn't fit me, I was reminded. More often than not, it's little things that remind me and not outside forces. Sometimes, though, it's other people.

The politically correct way to handle an obese person? If you have to refer to their size people use different terms such as "large" "husky" "curvy" or just plain "big." If you don't have to refer to them then I've found most people use rude stares and look away only when their eyes finally reach mine after having examined every other part of my body, or they don't look at all. If their kids say something they shush them and say only God knows what to them after they're out of earshot. I hope you aren't the type to get embarrassed if your kid points me out when Jason's around, though... he'll not stop himself from sarcastically making you look like an asshole.

My approach is simple. Should somebody ask me about my weight in a candid manner out of curiosity, I reward their forthrightness with firsthand insight to how I feel. How do I feel? I feel like I have good days and bad days. Some days I am awesome at calorie counting and I get some exercise in. Some days I feel like eating nothing but cookies. But everyday I tell myself my weight doesn't define me. Because it doesn't.

Every now and then, I have to change my approach. Because not all people have the decency to ask an honest question in a candid manner when they decide to bring it to my attention that I'm a larger person than they are. Some people are downright assholes. So, that's how I treat them... like the asshole they are.

There's a woman who works at a gas station here in town who made it her goal to single handedly convince me that I needed to go on a diet. She would ask me if I ever thought about trying Atkins or Weight Watchers. The first time, since she was kind of nice about it, I just pretended like I didn't hear her. This was for her benefit, because I would have turned into Bitchtastic Destiny and made her feel like an idiot for speaking to me. The second time she said she could tell I didn't take her advice. I gave her a calm warning. I told her I didn't think it was any of her business and if she ever said anything like that to me again, I'd be contacting her manager. The third time she insisted she was just trying to look out for me and be my friend. I told her I had enough friends and none of them were as stupid as she was. The next day I called her manager. She's been sweet as pie to me ever since.

Another incident that happened was at my old place of employment. I worked in a call center which, quite honestly, did some shady business in the finance realm. The owner of the company, Matt Awylward (but really all you need to know about him is this), liked to get drunk on company premises after his work day was done, but ours wasn't. One night, while nice and liquored up, he decided to play on his intercom. He made derogatory comments to me, regarding my weight and the idea of a man wanting me, over said intercom... in front of all of my co-workers. In the same evening he told a black girl that "White always wins" and he fired a guy for shutting the blinds in the window next to his cubicle. Just saying I wasn't the only one targeted that night.

Now, this wasn't the first time a drunken idiot decided to point me out to one of his buddies for a good laugh. Normally, when this happens, it's at a neutral location... like, say, a bar or night club. And when it happens, because we're in a central location and they are strangers to me, I stand up for myself and tell them, basically, where they can stick it. But this time it wasn't at a neutral location. It was at work. And it wasn't a stranger, it was my boss. He wasn't even in the same room as me... he was a floor above me, in his fortress of an office, watching me on the cameras, announcing his opinion over the loudspeaker. The next day his mommy apologized for him, and tried to get me to accept an apology from him personally... I refused, saying, "He can continue to feel bad about it." I highly doubt she delivered that message to him.

Is it easy to share this with the world? No. It's taking an extreme amount of courage and humility to make myself this transparent right now. The reason for it... I saw something on television Friday night which reminded me of my own public ridicule.

ABC's What Would You Do? has become one of my favorite shows. Opting not to spend money, I find myself sitting in front of the television most Friday nights. I like this show because it brings to light a lot of topics so many people are afraid to talk about. They give Americans the chance to call people out on rude, obnoxious, or just plain wrong behavior. Friday night's episode started out with a biracial couple being harassed at a bar. In all the scenarios the racists were called out and asked to stop making their judgments and criticisms. Yay for America. The next scenario wasn't as uplifting.

In the next scene a larger woman was dining alone at a restaurant. She orders a meal high in calories, despite the fact that she could stand to lose a few pounds. As she's ordering, the waiter/waitress points out that the meal is loaded with calories and there are healthier options available... rudely. Most of the time, the patrons around her waited until the server was gone and then comforted her, letting her know they thought the server was wrong for doing that. Then, when the server came back, these same patrons took their opportunity to tell the server that they were rude and owed the woman an apology. Bravo! Where were you when I was at that gas station, or sitting in my cubicle?

Then they changed things up. When the dining room was full of mostly male patrons and the waitress was a thin, very attractive, woman... and she was loudly and rudely telling the large woman her eating habits were wrong and she should know better... nobody said anything. Not one man offered consoling, or even said anything to anybody within their party or to the wait staff; where as several women throughout the day made sure the manager and other servers knew the harsh treatment happening in their establishment. In fact, most of the guys in the room flirted obnoxiously with the pretty waitress and offered her enthusiastic support in her plight against fat diners.

The lesson? Women have other womens' backs. When it comes down to it, we're all part of an unspoken sisterhood and we're quick to stand up for each other... even if it means somebody might spit in our salad. Men? Are only interested in supporting the hottest chick in the room. Now, some men spoke up... if they were dining with a woman who also spoke up. When in the herd... the pack... the fraternity... they all shut up and cowardly ignored the wrongdoing... because it might make them look bad in front of the pretty girl and their fellow brothers. It honestly sickened me, but it didn't surprise me.

Take this lesson, women. So often we are shit upon by a man in our life. Whether he's cheating on us, degrading us, or what have you. I'm not saying this about all men. We all know I believe there are a lot of good guys in this world. But, it seems to me that when a man does something wrong to a woman, the woman finds another woman to blame. If he cheats... she wants to go after the other woman, while not even thinking about how he was the one who was unfaithful. Stop it. We're women. Men won't stick up for us if they don't want to... we have to have each others' backs. We have to be there for one another, and we can't blame each other for the rotten men we encounter. Because, in the end... a woman is more likely to give you ten times more comfort than any man will.

I simply dream of a world where ignorance is thwarted... and imbeciles aren't tolerated.