My heart is lonely. Today I found out another good guy I know is getting married. I smile for his happiness, and I'm glad he found somebody. He is the type of guy who really wants to be married and really wants to be a dad. Those are rare, ya know?
I like the joke that all women are crazy, but all men are assholes; therefore it justifies the crazy. But, in reality I can't be one of those bitter pieces of a woman who clutches to the belief that men are bad and women are victims. Because, I look around and I see a lot of great guys who inhabit my life.
A good amount of the best friends in my life are males. One of them is gay. One of them is an ex -soldier who confides his world to me. One of them is getting married. I've come to know these men on a level of intimacy which requires no touching. I know what makes them happy, sad, scared. I know what their dreams and fears are. I understand them and feel safe with each of them.
Despite my ability to understand and get along with men, I'm single. I'm perpetually single. I used to think it was because of my size. However, that flew out the window when I realized I am beautiful and a good amount of men have shown a physical attraction to me. Yet, somehow I've not managed to match up the physically attracted with the wonderful best friend. I suppose this is everybody's plight while looking for their life-mate... but sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm not singled out.
I don't know if I want to be married. Perhaps that's my problem. I love the idea of a wedding, though. I want the dress, the party, the vows, the happiness. I'm just scared to death that I'll marry the wrong person. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to get divorced and it's a 50/50 chance these days.
What makes the statistic real is how well it applies to my life. All I have to do is take a really good look around to see it. The older adults in my life have been married and divorced to different people over the years. My friends who've gotten married? Fifty percent of them are now divorced. We aren't even 30 yet. That. Is. Scary. To. Me. So I can't help but wonder if my fear is driving. Is it in charge of where I go in my love life, and I'm just a helpless passenger in the backseat?
When I think about the kind of guy I would bring to my extended family Christmas I really start to panic. My family is very accepting, but if he wasn't the right one for me, that would be the setting where it became extremely apparent. I once broke up with somebody right before Christmas for this very reason. I could see he wasn't the one, I knew they would, and I didn't want to have to explain his absence at next year's dinner. Crazy? I know!
The fear is there, and I'm aware of it. But it's not men I'm afraid of. I love men. I love talking to them, and getting them be honest with me about how they view life. I love falling in love with men, and being intimate and romantic. I just wish there was a way to do that without being afraid of what it won't amount up to. How do I abandon that fear and just let something be?
Ah... Love. It can drive you bat-shit crazy.
I honestly don't think about this all the time. Lately I've been focusing more on self improvement and self awareness. I figure I might be single forever. I might not. But either way, I'm stuck with me forever. Wouldn't hurt to update the old version.
Today, though, my thoughts have done an immediate shift. I get like this every time I find out somebody else I know (I mean really know, ya know?) is getting married.
Something else happening this year: My 10 year high school reunion. But more on that later...
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