Friday, March 25, 2011

Sleep Stealing Thoughts

I know in my head that you are not the person I'm supposed to be with. I knew this, for a fact, over two years ago. I came to you with a scared intuition and fear of a very big "what if" and you showed me that you cannot roll with the punches. It turned out I was wrong, but, because of your reaction, I knew in my heart I couldn't end up with you.

So, tell me, why did it take so long for that to really sink in? Because, there are times, when I still forget about that and I only remember what it was like being right next to you. I get lost in that memory because, for a period of time, that was my favorite place to be in the entire world. You created these conflicting emotions within me, and my confused heart just walked right into a maze which seemed to take the longest damn time to find my way out of.

Sometimes, I wish I'd never agreed to that first date. You were so nervous. It was cute. I can remember that white shirt with the silver pinstripe and how it enhanced your already handsome features. You wore your glasses because I mentioned how I love a man in glasses. And when you kissed me later in the night it felt like a click inside my head. How could a girl not fall in love with such a lovely beginning? If it hadn't been so perfect, I might have stood a chance.

I'm over you. I've written about it; I've vented about it; I've thought and thought and thought about it. I've even dreamt about it. Every time I think it through I know it turned out the way it should. And, though this blog might suggest otherwise, I actually don't think about you too often.

It just seems like my life is randomly punctuated with these little flashes of time in which my thoughts are completely consumed by you. Sometimes I'll meet somebody who looks a lot like you and a thought is triggered. I'll be talking with a girlfriend and she'll be going through something I can relate to, because I went through it with you. I guess this is natural... we all carry around memories of our exes... the ones that got away.

I wish I didn't think about you at all, though. I've moved on, and I actually did a great job of it. When I found out about your current love I felt genuinely happy for you. I've not let the fact that you found somebody else before I did shatter me or break me. Because, to be honest, I'm glad you have it in you. Obviously your relationship with her has something ours lacked. She provides something for you I couldn't. And that's okay. Like I said before, it's best that it turned out this way... especially for you. I can't say it enough... I'm happy that you're happy.

That being said... I wish there were a magic pill I could take where my memory of you would be gone. I was blissfully ignorant before I met you. I had nobody to really compare anything significant to. You made a pretty big impact on me. I'm trying to figure out what positive things to take from it, but leftover lingering pain sidetracks me sometimes.

I hate that there are nights when I still lay awake and think about you. I hate that there are times when something reminds me of you and I get lost in the thought or the memory it invokes. I hate remembering how it felt to be with you. I hate that I lost you, but, even worse, I hate that I never had you.

She has you now. Jealousy is an evil monster, but we wouldn't have been happy in the long run. Maybe I'll find somebody again, but maybe I won't. Part of me is okay with that revelation, but there's another part of me that doesn't want to give up hope. I, am, however all out of hope for us. It's plain to see there's nothing left of whatever it was we had. It wasn't nothing. It was something. Now, though, it just is what it is.

I know that I will find more than you. I know that you are not my great love story. You just happen to be the first guy who knew how to make me feel wanted, special, and lovely. Maybe now it's time to make myself feel wanted, special and lovely. Perhaps it's time I found myself.

But at the same time, I think this is part of finding myself. I have to face these emotions and the fact that they will always be within me. I guess my positive take-away is that through you I discovered more of me. I guess you had to be this roadblock I had to work my way through in order to understand more about my own heart and my own love. Perhaps... I owe you a thank you.

It's funny to me... I started this blog with questions in my heart... and somehow I managed to answer them by the time I finished it.

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