Free Writing

I've sat in front of this screen for the last few days. I've started typing. I erased whatever I started. I would sit and think. Literally, I would sit and think for long periods of time about how I wanted to say what I have to say. Every time I came up with nothing. So, I stopped for the day.

Alas, today I'm back and I am taking a different approach. It's not that I don't have something to say; it's that I don't know how to spin it. You see there are a million ways to tell the same story. It's like a snowflake, or a spiderweb. Each one is different, and delicate, and carefully put together. But they're all the same... they all have the same destination. A snowflake melts and a spiderweb is destroyed. And this web, this particular blog, isn't spinning so well for me.

So, I've decided to free write. What's free writing? It's writing without thought. When I realized that I was spending way too much thought on this one particular blog which I can't seem to find the right words for, I decided I was simply spending too much time thinking.

This is has always been the case. Grandpa once told me my mouth couldn't keep up with my thoughts and thats why I talk so fast... and so much. He also claimed my constant jabbering gave him the hives. I don't know about the hives, but he's right about my thoughts. They race around in my head at a million miles a minute. I suppose Grandpa is right, maybe that's why I talk fast... I'm trying to keep up.

I know one thing is for sure. I cannot type as fast as I think. I might be able to type as fast as I speak, but the turn out wouldn't be too pretty. So, when I sit down to write I sometimes can't get the thought to the page fast enough before it's floated away. Or my mind thinks ahead and I realize the thought is shit and I scrap the whole thing.

I'm surprised I haven't scrapped this yet. I'm never going to get to the point I want to make if I keep rambling away here. This is free writing, though. It's meant to get the juices flowing, or in my case stop flowing so rapidly and focus on a topic already!!

I still haven't found my direction. It's scary admitting that. I know my general direction is writing. No matter what I do in life my pen will always be my soul mate. It's too therapeutic to not do. It's too much of myself to ever let go. Writing is my mental constitutional. I have to do it.

Why don't I have a book written by now? I've been attempting it my entire adult life. I know I've been sitting down with ideas throughout my entire twenties. 29 is right around the corner. It may as well be 30. I wouldn't mind if I weren't published by now, but I would like to have something to show. I wonder what's keeping me from completing it? Are my racing thoughts at fault here?

I have so many opinions, so many stories to tell, so many things to say about how I feel and what I think about that. But I tell myself that everybody has this. Everybody has a story that will inspire you. Everybody has something important to say. It's just that a lot of people choose not to. Well I choose to speak up. I choose to say what I have to say. It's a thankless task, and perhaps also an unnecessary one. But who would I be if I weren't a person who expressed thoughts and emotions openly and honestly? I wouldn't be me, that's for sure.

I just want to find the words. I want to find the right metaphor. I want to find the right tone, the perfect expression of the thoughts smacking into one another in my brain. I obviously can't just sit down and write it. As you can see... I failed to get anywhere with this free write. But, perhaps I got enough off of my chest and out of my head so there's more space to deal with the topic I really would like to tackle.