Thought Process

I'm not totally new to the whole blogging thing. I've always had a knack for expressing my thoughts in the written word, and I love to write fiction as well as non-fiction pieces. I had a blog on MySpace (back when MySpace was the shit and Facebook was only for college students), and I really enjoyed it. Something made me stop, though, and I'm not sure what it was.

I think what I loved most was the feedback. The people who read my blog were mostly females and they were also, mostly, from my home town. They were girls I'd grown up with who'd turned into women and who faced the same problems I faced. The demographic was right because these women grew up where I grew up. I was extremely relate-able to them.

I think the best feedback I ever received was one very cold Christmas Evening back in 2008. This was shortly after I stopped blogging on MySpace and I was starting to hear from avid readers who missed me. I was having a few drinks with a friend who was in town and I ran into a girl named Shanna.

I'd known Shanna since I was 6 or 7 years old. She was the first girl to spend the night at my house. We weren't particularly close in our adult years, but she was a subscriber to my blog. She came up to me that night while I was having drinks and sat with me for a while. We conversed about many things, but the conversation eventually ended up being about my blogs.

At first, my ego couldn't get enough. I loved hearing how much people loved reading my random musings. And Shanna didn't disappoint. She raved and applauded me to the point that you would have thought I was the best writer in the world. And just when I thought she'd made my head swell so big it wouldn't fit through the front door, she brought me back down with a somber thought.

She looked at me, her mood suddenly different, and she said, "I get sad a lot. And when I get sad, I like to have a glass of wine and read your old posts back to back. It's like reading a favorite book. It makes me feel better." And while that's probably the best compliment I've ever received, it made me feel sad. It never occurred to me that I was reliable for lifting somebody's mood. It humbled me in an instant.

In July of the following year, Shanna died. While attending her funeral I remembered that Christmas conversation with her. I appreciated her enthusiasm and her honesty, and I'll never forget the look in her eyes when she confessed her sadness to me. I'll remember it forever and always.

Still, I didn't start blogging again. I started attending writer's groups and I started challenging myself in other realms of writing. While I'm still doing that, I feel like there's something missing. I feel like I'm not connecting with enough people. I feel like I could be doing so much more with my talent.

Two months ago I became unemployed. Over the last two months I've seen a birthday and I've had some very humbling thoughts. I'm not where I wanted to be by this age. I feel like I disappoint the elders in my life. I feel like my life-long friends don't recognize me. I feel like I don't recognize me. In essence, I've been sad.

So, I took Shanna's advice and I read my old posts... back to back. I didn't have a glass of wine, but I don't think that's a necessary requirement (albeit an awesome addendum). I found myself cringing at some stuff which could have been more thoroughly edited, and I found myself criticizing my old work at every turn. But then I cut myself a break and I started to feel the content. Before I knew it I was smiling and wanting to read more and more. This is what Shanna was talking about. I finally got it.

After that I couldn't wait to get started again. So here I am. I didn't jump the gun, though. I've been thinking about what I would say and what my new blog would be about. I consulted my best friends and my mother before writing this first post. Even when I started writing, I wasn't sure exactly what I would say.

All I can say is from here on out the topics will vary and so will the moods. I can't promise something new everyday, but I am unemployed so the chances are high that I'll post often. I do hope you'll come back and check on me. Because, you see, up until now, my blogging has been on the fritz. And I think it's about time for a come-back.