Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Bev and Roz Stalk a Celebrity

From the comfort of their living room and a box of wine in, our favorite old ladies are watching the evening news. They don’t care so much about current events; therefore they gave up watching anything political or local years ago. Now they simply enjoy the trappings of celebrity profiles and hellacious gossip.

Bev is the more constant watcher of these things. The dent in her recliner cushion will agree with that statement. She loves her high definition television and often sits in the dark with only a cloud of cigarette smoke to accompany her.

Roz also likes the gossip shows, but she’s not glued to the television like Bev. She usually spends her evenings tinkering with gadgets or attending secret meetings without Bev’s knowledge. On this particular evening, however, she is propped up against a pillow, enjoying some wine with her good friend as they laugh at the latest celebrity news spewing from the mouth of Ryan Seacrest.

“How cool would it be to actually know a celebrity?” Bev muses as her fuzzy mind gulps down some more White Zinfandel.

“That would be cat’s ass,” Roz replies, “I once met Chevy Chase at a Starbucks, and he hit on me. I didn’t know it was him until after I told him to get lost. Then the Barista informed me that I just turned down a very famous man. His grey hair threw me off.”

“Oh how unfortunate! You could have charmed him into meeting somebody interesting!” Bev replied.

“Oh, yeah? Like who?”

“I don’t know somebody from Saturday Night Live, perhaps?”

“The only good episode of Saturday Night Live from the last twenty years was the one where Betty White hosted the show. You know that. Who would we want to meet from Saturday Night Live?”

“OOOH! Betty WHITE! I LOVE HER! We HAVE to meet her! Roz… seriously… how can we make this happen?”

The wheels in Roz’s head immediately started to turn. Bev could tell her dear friend was thinking hard and felt the need to say, “Think out loud, Roz. I might be able to help.”

“OK. Well let’s start with the internet.”

“That giggle thing?”

“Google, Bev. It’s called Google.”

“Yeah, that thing.”

“Sure, we can start there.” Within a few minutes Roz had her laptop out and was searching feverishly for information about Betty White.

Bev was always amazed at Roz’s ability to comprehend technology. She’s always had her finger on the pulse of what’s new ever since she was an underworld spy and had to use cutting edge technology for her job. Of course, Roz denies being a spy and simply says she’s smarter than the average bear.

It didn’t take any time at all for Roz to locate the name of Betty’s publicist and then hack into the mainframe of said publicist. Bev watched in amazement as Roz furiously scribbled down names, addresses and a schedule of public events at which Betty White would be appearing. Bev started to get excited at the possibility of meeting one of her idols as Roz uncovered more and more information.

By the end of the night, Roz had formed a master plan and at least 5 back up plans of how she and Bev would run into, introduce themselves and eventually befriend the great Betty White. They both slept peacefully in an alcohol induced slumber in front of their television that night.

The first plan of attack would be at a bookstore in LA where Ms. White would be signing copies of “Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover’s Soul” in which she was a contributing author. This required Bev and Roz to fly since they wouldn’t make it across the country in time for the book signing by car. The only hiccup at the airport happened when they inspected Bev’s oxygen tank and found her thermos of wine. When they took it away she screamed at them and Roz had to sweet talk the agents into letting them on the plane.

Once in LA, the ladies rented matching pink scooters (Roz didn’t want to do all that walking, and thought it was unfair for just Bev to have a scooter). They checked into their hotel room and then headed to the book store with a half an hour to spare.

Upon arrival at the book store, they discovered a long line of fans waiting to meet Betty White. They convinced somebody near the front of the line that it was a matter of urgency that they cut. Bev said she forgot her medicine and needed to get back to the hotel in an hour, and they promised they’d be quick. It was a lie, of course, but it worked like a charm.

By the time it was their turn, Bev was beside herself with excitement. Ms. White signed their books and dismissed them as soon as she was done.

“Wait!” Bev said as she was being waved off by security, “I need to talk to her! I need to make her my friend! Wait… BETTY!” But Betty White ignored her pleas as she continued to sign books for other patrons. Bev tried swerving around the security, but to no avail. They both were ushered outside and told not to come back.

“How rude!” Bev exclaimed once they were both outside.

Roz was calmer about the situation and said, “I kind of expected that to happen. It’s time for plan B.”

“What’s plan B?”

“Tomorrow, she’ll be cutting the ribbon at a new animal shelter. We’ll be there for the opening. Let’s hit a liquor store and go back to the hotel for tonight.”

With a resigned sigh, Bev agreed and followed her friend back to the hotel. She set her sights on the following day. Maybe she’d be friends with Betty White yet.

The following day, with filled thermoses and extra packs of ciggs, the ladies buzzed to the event at which they were sure they’d get to meet Betty White for real. This time they got as close as possible to the ribbon and waved fanatically as Betty White walked out with a large pair of scissors.

Ms. White recognized them immediately and whispered to her security guards. Roz was prepared for this and managed to out maneuver them and roll her scooter under the ribbon. She tried to offer Betty some wine, but Betty seemed to be quite scared of her fan’s extra attention. She took off and headed towards her car. The old ladies chased her down and followed her through the crowd of people. Try as they might, their scooters couldn’t keep up with Betty’s car and they lost her far too easily.

Without realizing it Bev and Roz turned onto a street where the Gay Pride Parade was taking place. Pulling out behind the Dykes with Bikes, they swerved into the glittery traffic and were immediately stalled behind slow moving floats.

A couple of young lesbians hopped onto the backs of their scooters, and asked if the old ladies were up for a party. Of course, they were. Bev shared her thermos with the young ladies and when the parade was over they found themselves at a large party in an apartment of a wealthy lesbian. It was there that they discovered how much the gay community loves old ladies. It was also there that Bev discovered pot brownies.

She unknowingly ate two of them before somebody told her to not eat any more. Bev took offense and said, “And why not? One of the great things of being old is overloading on sweets. I’m not worried about calories.”

The polite informant then said, “No… they’re SPECIAL brownies. Two is more than enough to fuck you up.”

Bev soon figured out what the person meant as she was laughing her ass off and helping herself to a huge pile of chips and salsa, “Those brownies are AWESOME! I need the recipe!” Immediately after exclaiming this, a recipe was placed in her hand with a wink from a friendly gay man, “Be careful with this. It’s top secret.” He informed her before walking away.

Bev spent the rest of the evening talking exuberantly about days gone by, and Roz spent the night dancing with gay men and taking off her clothes.

The next day they were both hung-over, but Bev decided she needed those brownies for when she and Betty White became friends. She just knew it would help break the ice between them. She paid a bell boy at the hotel to get her a bag of weed and the needed ingredients to make the brownies. By the afternoon she’d made three different batches of special brownies, and gave one of them to the bell boy for his help.

“Betty will love these tomorrow when we go to her house.”

“If she doesn’t, I think we should stop and get her a bottle of vodka on the way. I read somewhere that she enjoys vodka. No wonder she didn’t want any wine when I offered it to her yesterday.” Roz replied

“Yes, I bet that was the reason, “ Bev said genuinely, “We weren’t prepared with the right gift.”

So, the next day the ladies put on their best dresses and zoomed over to Betty’s house with a bottle of vodka and a batch of special brownies in tow. At home, Betty didn’t worry about having security around because she was convinced that people didn’t know where she lived. Therefore when her doorbell rang she was surprised to see her two most crazed fans waiting on her doorstep.

“Betty!” Bev said as the star stood with a shocked expression, “We brought you gifts!”

Betty White tried closing the door but stopped halfway and said, “Are those… SPECIAL brownies?”

Bev nodded.

“And is that a bottle of vodka?”

Roz nodded.

“Well I’m afraid I have no choice but to let you ladies in.”

Giddy with excitement, Bev and Roz crossed the threshold into the celebrity’s home. They finally did it… they were going to be friends with BETTY WHITE!

She led them to a backyard patio where they all looked out onto a spectacular view of Los Angeles. Betty mixed drinks with the vodka and the ladies enjoyed an afternoon where they were all in stitches and cackling as Betty White regaled them with jokes and funny stories of celebrity run-ins she’s had over the years.

They broke out the special brownies around sunset. The dark night set in, and the ladies laughed wildly as the moon rose over them. Finally, at the end of the night, Betty White showed them to the front door and thanked them for the visit. Bev and Roz felt like they’d made a genuine friend in the comedienne.

Still, the next day, Roz said there was one more event at which they could still run into the celeb. Bev said that she didn’t need to go, because she’d accomplished what she’d come for.

“We’re in LA for one more day. We may as well go and do what we have planned.”

Bev resigned herself to agree, and decided to bring the last batch of brownies since she couldn’t take them on the plane home.

High on brownies and excited about their new friendship, the ladies buzzed their pink scooters to the Los Angeles Zoo where Betty White was scheduled to appear. They enjoyed seeing all the exotic animals and delighted with the children who’d never seen a tiger or a lion before.

Finally they arrived at the spot where Betty White would be making a speech about a grand opening of a new exhibit. They sat in the crowd and waved at their new friend. When Betty White saw them, she didn’t share their enthusiasm.

After her speech she came up to them and said, “Okay. I’ve entertained your crazy ideas that we are actually friends. It’s time for the two of you to leave me alone, please.”

“But, Betty.” Bev and Roz protested simultaneously.

“No buts. I’m serious. If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll be forced to get a restraining order.”

Enraged with anger, Bev revved up her scooter and threatened to run Betty over with it. Roz stopped her and suggested they just go home. Resigned and defeated, Bev agreed. They turned to leave, but Betty had different plans.

She removed a blow-dart gun from her pocket and shot a poisoned dart into Roz’s neck. Roz fell off of her scooter and twitched until she died. Bev’s eyes glared at Betty as she reared her scooter in Betty’s direction. Another poisoned dart landed in Bev’s neck as she obtained the same fate as Roz, falling out of her scooter and twitched on the ground… death fast approaching.

“Nobody stalks Betty White.” Betty said as Bev took her last breath. Betty then leaned over to remove the darts. As she bent over she caught a glimpse of the aluminum foil wrapped brownies in Bev’s bag. She took them and put them (and the recipe which was tucked with them) into her own bag. When the crowd started drawing in, Betty told them that two of her oldest fans were so excited to see her they had simultaneous heart attacks. She yelled for somebody to call 911 with a knowing smile on her face.

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